Jim Eats Waffles
by YourPontmercyFriend
Summary: You see that title, you know where this is going. Inspired by the IZ episode Zim Eats Waffles, I bring to you a crackfic mess that was way too fun to make. Posted in honor of April Fool's Day. Takes place between Baskerville and Reichenbach. BBC Sherlock


**You see that title, you know what to expect. A couple of friends and I (particularly Charlotte, you're awesome :D) have been discussing this off and on for awhile, and in honor of April Fools Day I said oh what the hell, and I finished writing this just in time to post it. I hope you all enjoy, this takes place after Baskerville and before Reichenbach, contains copious amounts of crack, and the second it starts making sense you need to go and seek professional help.**

Sherlock hated dawn. He had been up all night thinking and pacing due to his insomnia while the rest of the world had been fast asleep. Dawn is the time when everyone else is starting to stir for their morning coffee and commute, and _nothing_ interesting ever happens save car accidents, and he usually didn't have the privilege of witnessing them.

He sank down into the couch cushions and groaned, desperately wishing for something to do aside from play violin. As fun as it may be to watch John try to formulate insults to screech at him this early in the morning it wouldn't be worth John being grumpy for the rest of the day.

Sherlock's eyes wandered around the cluttered flat to land on John's laptop.

Hello. An idea began to form in his mind as he strode over and typed in the password. He pulled out his cell phone and called Mycroft, wondering why he hadn't tried this before. Mycroft picked up on the third ring.

"This had better be about World War Three."

"Do you have any way to access Moriarty's PC or laptop?"

"What, why?"

"Just tell me."

"Yes."

"Does he have a webcam on either of them that you can send me the video link to? I'm on John's laptop."

"Why in God's name do you want this at 5:30 AM?"

"I'm bored."

Mycroft sighed and after a minute Sherlock could hear typing in the background. '_Come on Mycroft'_ thought Sherlock as he impatiently drummed his fingers on the desk. "There. Webcam link. Now I'm going back to bed."

"Whatever." Sherlock hung up on Mycroft and opened the link to find out that yes, Moriarty was an early riser.

Jim had his laptop set up in the kitchen of his flat with the webcam on, why Sherlock had no idea. He was mixing up a bowl of gooey light yellow batter that Sherlock identified as waffles. Alright, fair enough, even evil psychopaths were allowed waffles for breakfast.

"John!" Sherlock shouted.

The door to John's room opened as he yelled down the stairs, "WHAT?"

"COME AND SEE THIS! IT'S MORIARTY!"

John rushed downstairs and looked over Sherlock's shoulder. "He's making breakfast."

"Yes, and I have a way to spy on him in his flat, don't you see how marvelous this is?"

"I would if he was doing something other than cook waffles."

"Fine, be that way," growled Sherlock as John slumped to the kitchen to make some toast. "Black, two sugars."

"Ugh, can't you get anything for yourself? No wait, stalking Jim while he makes waffles is more important!"

"Now he's eating them," said Sherlock. No reply from John as he was still grumpy. Sherlock leaned forward and bit and stared, wondering when an explanation of the webcam would happen.

"Hello future me," said Jim, taking a break from eating. "This is my personal blog, Professor Moriarty's blog (I wish it was sing a long) made for my eyes only. I think better when I talk out loud, as the gorgeous qualities of my voice are pleasing to the ear. Later I will rewatch this and then pull together all of my thoughts to form the final version of my evil plan."

"Yes! What is it?" Sherlock frantically searched for some way on John's laptop to record what he was watching. The program he opened had to install itself and would take about half an hour. Well, it was better than nothing.

Jim smiled at the camera and said, "But now it's time to finish this plate of deliciousness."

Moriarty continued eating and Sherlock moodily vowed to never eat waffles again.

A few minutes passed.

Why did he have two waffles to finish?

This was the slowest Sherlock has ever seen someone eat.

It does not require thirty seconds to spread butter.

God, STOP BEING SUCH A SYRUP PERFECTIONIST.

Any day now, he might finish.

Yes, chew slower please. Marvelous. Spectacular. Dazzling. UUUUGH.

Sherlock could appreciate the irony of Moriarty eating a food that Gandhi invented, but this was just ridiculous.

Seriously, this looked like he was practicing for an erotic waffle commercial that involved slow chewing, if such a thing existed, which after his time spent watching crap telly he was sure that such commercials did exist.

Moriarty needed to brush his teeth badly after this. There was a bit of waffle stuck- oh, he got it.

Flossing would be a good idea too.

Sherlock was ready to throw John's laptop at the wall when Moriarty finally finished, only after getting every bit of syrup off of the plate.

"Hmmm, I am the best cook I know, anyways, my evil plan is to- oh no, I left the waffle iron plugged in."

Did he just caress the power cord? Oh God this really might've been a bad idea.

"Right well, my plan is to- RATIGAN I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN YOUR CAGE!"

"JOOOOOOOOHN!" Sherlock roared. He started in fascination as a rat the size of a dog leapt up onto the counter and started tearing apart Jim's kitchen. Moriarty rushed around, desperately trying to tackle the monster and wrestle it to the ground. It lashed out and struggled and the grappling became more intense.

"Not now Sherlock, I'm making toast!"

"YOU'RE USELESS!" Sherlock grabbed his cell phone for himself for once and dialed Mycroft.

"CHECK THE VIDEO LINK, JIM HAS A BASKERVILLE RODENT AS A PET!"

"I thought you said you were going to let me sleep."

"This is important! He has this rat-"

"Yes yes, I am aware Sherlock, of the Baskerville problem with Moriarty. Anything else you called to talk to me about?"

"You have two cavities developing and will be needing a root canal in three weeks." Sherlock unceremoniously hung up and growled at the screen to see that Moriarty had put the rat away and was back to making himself waffles.

John said, "Okay then, what is it? You've got to be kidding me, Sherlock."

"John, you just missed-"

"Whatever."

"And now, for my evil plan." Jim looked intently into the webcam, as if he was about to go on.

Sherlock took the opportunity to call a very annoyed Mycroft and hear "Yes, I'm looking at the link Sherlock."

Moriarty gave the waffle batter a sidelong glance and said, "Nah, I want seconds."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Sherlock shouted.

Again with the slower than Anderson's thought process eating.

Checking the number of calories per serving of syrup? Mycroft must've met him somewhere.

Sherlock had never seen someone meticulously cut up a waffle squire by square to eat it, so _tedious. _

Wow, not even Sherlock put that much thought into the exact amount of ingredients in his coffee.

Hahaha, did he seriously just check the sugar in the sugar bowl for poisons? Some weird roommate/housekeeper he must have.

No, no, GOD NO NOT STRAWBERRIES.

Definitely an erotic breakfast advertisement rehearsal.

"Sherlock, I never thought you would sink this low."

"What do you mean, Mycroft?"

"Just when my diet was going so well, you flaunt waffles in front of me-"

"No, it's not-"

"Now if you'll excuse me I have things to do this morning." Mycroft hung up.

"I'll call Lestrade, it's not like he has much of a life to attend to."

"Hullo, thank you for calling Scotland Yard, my name is Greg, how may I help you?"

"Lestrade, I-"

"Sherlock? Uh, I need to go, bye."

"WHAT?" Sherlock stared in disbelief at his phone and mused aloud. "What are the chances of both of them being busy at the same time?"

John let out an awkward cough.

"Oh, I see your theory, probably right too. No matter, this is more important than them having a romantic morning together. Bring me your phone, John."

"What's wrong with yours?"

"I'm going to call them both at the same time."

John smirked and said, "Now that I can support, here you go." His phone flew through the air, and it took 4 calls to get both of them to pick up.

"John?" asked Lestrade "What's going on?"

"Now that I have you two listening, and yes I am aware that you're together-" Mycroft groaned and Lestrade cursed "- I have a live video feed from Jim Moriarty's flat-"

"Which would be useful, if anything he said was valuable information, which it hasn't been," said Mycroft, yet again hanging up

Moriarty's cell phone went off and he picked up, "Hello Moran my sweet, how's the secret mission going?"

"JOHN!"

"No Sherlock."

A small beep sounded from the computer and Sherlock swiftly got the newly installed program to record. Sherlock only got a few lines of the phone conversation, hearing that whatever Moran was doing he was doing it well when the power went out.

The laptop switched to battery power and continued recording until John, who had gotten up to clear his dishes, tripped over the power cord because of the lights going out. He still had half a cup of coffee in his hand, and it dumped all over the laptop keyboard, shorting it out.

Sherlock figured he still had some of the video recorded as a shot sounded from outside and a sniper shot the laptop, making it's pieces scatter all around the room.

The surreal moment passed before Sherlock sighed and decided that it was just a bad morning. He walked over to the couch and fell into with a muffled, "Whatever."


End file.
